where does your first follower even come from
the friend that dragged you here in the first place
cockiness is so attractive to me in a way and it’s so irritating. like it’s annoying. and it annoys me. but the kind of expression and body language that comes with it. the self-satisfied attitude. the smug comments. the eye rolling. the smirking. “come and get me” hand gestures during a fight. eyebrow raising with an air of superiority. it’s just like. fuck you. i’m annoyed right now. i am so annoyed right now. but oh my fuck i am also so very, very attracted right now
The Fault in Our Stars…
Oh boy, how do I even start?
I saw the movie today… And yes, to all the true fans that read the book and have been stalking John Green, you can come and get me. I didn’t read the book and I don’t think I ever will ‘because it would crush me.
I’m a simple person, a normal person. I dare to say I belong to the second majority that Tumblr hates: a white female with a normal family and a normal life, whose biggest problem is if I’m going to finish the university work at time of going to watch the football game with my best friends.
I try not to think too much of existential questions ‘cause I don’t like to spend too much time thinking of an unknown future…Quite hypocrite of me. Since most of my daydreaming is about this huge future when I’m all hot and super confident of myself after overcoming some life-threatening situation that I see as the only solution to pull me out of my normal self and my normal life.
I guess I just don’t know… We are told so many times that normal is great, and normal is what we should aim for. I say screw that! ‘Cause what in the world assures me that I’m not going to die tomorrow? And what comfort does normal gives me if my body decides that I’m going to die in three months?
Sure we can come up with some cliché bullshit like ‘live everyday like is your last day’. But that is kind of hard to follow when you have gigantic dreams and is hard to come with the money, the time and the patience to go to the next shopping center buy some clothes, let alone travel the world and learn how to speak seven different languages.
Are we really doomed to live normal lives and wait for something exciting to happen? Like your best friend got a girlfriend or that bitch that you hated all your life fails at something…Or are we capable of having amazing lives but are just scared of taking the next step?
Or worse: are we already having that amazing life that we aim for but just can’t seem to see it? ‘Cause… Don’t get me wrong. I love my life… But in the end of the day I always find myself dreaming of this self-improved version of me that I would like to become. I mean, I know that I am important for some people (at least I like to think I am), why can’t that be enough? And on top of that it definitely scares the shit out of me, that life is running out and that I didn’t do a thing… don’t ask me what… just that thing that can assure you that from now on you can die at any time that you would be happy with the life you got.
P.S.: For all of you that are dying and are aware of that. I just hope you had / are having an amazing life. And most of all I hope you’re proud of every single step you toke after knowing your fate. Because you, you look death in the eyes every day and wave at her and say ‘not just yet’ and that is a true inspiration to me. I know is not much, but at least you get to say you change somebodies world for better.
I think that in end, what bothers me so much is knowing that are actual people suffering like Hazel and Augustus. That I don’t’ get to finish the movie and say ‘that could never happen in real life’ so that my normal life could go back to be normal… So I’m just going to write it here and pray that tomorrow I’m going to feel better.